Killer Poodle

It's late night, really late, 3am. Bloomingdale's shoe department. All the displays have been pushed back. Martha Stewart takes one more look around, everything is ready, she gives the go ahead nod to Christiane Amanpour, who taps a dinner bell.

From out of the racks of misses and junior wear, the ladies emerge. They all settle on either side of the runway. Naomi Campbell adjusts her ankle monitor. Madeleine Albright and Queen Latifah eat nachos off the same plate. Sheryl Crow takes out her guitar, "all I wanna do is have some fun." The Jimmy Choos, the Manolo Blahniks and the Christian Loboutins click, clack to the the beat. Diana Ross kindly puts her hair in a bun, so Natalie Portman can see, Natalie puts her scissors away. Lil Kim and Barbara Walters exchange business cards.

Lights up on the runway. Sheryl Crow stops strumming her guitar.

Kate Moss struts from behind the curtain, not far behind her without a leash is her silky terrier, Bon Bon. The ladies give Bon Bon rousing applause, Bon Bon responds in kind, yelping and yapping and chasing her tail. Bon Bon loves the spotlight. Kate Moss stops at the end of the runway. Bon Bon runs and leaps into her arms. They take a bow.

The lights dim. Spotlight Up.

Serena and Venus Williams emerge from behind the curtain. Serena is carrying a Luis Vuitton Pet Carrier, she sets it on the ground. Venus unzips the bag, she takes out a toy poodle. The most beautiful toy poodle you've ever seen, the color of burnt caramel. Her name - Sweet Tea.

Dolly Parton tosses hundred dollar bills onto the runway. Wynona Ryder covers one of the fallen c-notes with her Prada slingback.

Serena picks up Sweet Tea, stares into the doggie's now bloodshot eyes - "make mama proud." Serena hands Sweet Tea to Venus. "You my bitch?" Sweet Tea growls love as foam pours from her jowls into the crevices of her diamond studded collar. Venus sets her down, Sweet Tea surveys the room, she locks in on Bon Bon.

Christiane Amampour rings the dinner bell again.

Bon Bon leaps from Kate's arms, she gallops down the runway. Sweet Tea is calm, she walks in only a couple of steps. Bon Bon leaps into the air, straight at and into the powerful jaws of Sweet Tea.

It's over. Sweet Tea drags her prey into her Louis Vuitton carrier case. What happens in that case - you don't even want to know!

Martha Stewart collects winnings from the ladies.

I wasn't sure how to weigh in on this whole Michael Vic, dog fighting thing. People want to blame hip/hop, celebrity, poverty, weatlth, race.

My wife just read this blog, she doesn't understand it. She wants to know what it has to do with her or Coleman. My point is dog-fighting, cock fighting, country invading are all committed by the boys we raise. Our girls don't do stuff like that.

The first time someone wants to take Coleman to a dog fight, I don't want his machismo to take over. The reason there's no underground women's dog fighting ring sponsored by Bloomingdale's is because its STUPID.