Killer Poodle

It's late night, really late, 3am. Bloomingdale's shoe department. All the displays have been pushed back. Martha Stewart takes one more look around, everything is ready, she gives the go ahead nod to Christiane Amanpour, who taps a dinner bell.

From out of the racks of misses and junior wear, the ladies emerge. They all settle on either side of the runway. Naomi Campbell adjusts her ankle monitor. Madeleine Albright and Queen Latifah eat nachos off the same plate. Sheryl Crow takes out her guitar, "all I wanna do is have some fun." The Jimmy Choos, the Manolo Blahniks and the Christian Loboutins click, clack to the the beat. Diana Ross kindly puts her hair in a bun, so Natalie Portman can see, Natalie puts her scissors away. Lil Kim and Barbara Walters exchange business cards.

Lights up on the runway. Sheryl Crow stops strumming her guitar.

Kate Moss struts from behind the curtain, not far behind her without a leash is her silky terrier, Bon Bon. The ladies give Bon Bon rousing applause, Bon Bon responds in kind, yelping and yapping and chasing her tail. Bon Bon loves the spotlight. Kate Moss stops at the end of the runway. Bon Bon runs and leaps into her arms. They take a bow.

The lights dim. Spotlight Up.

Serena and Venus Williams emerge from behind the curtain. Serena is carrying a Luis Vuitton Pet Carrier, she sets it on the ground. Venus unzips the bag, she takes out a toy poodle. The most beautiful toy poodle you've ever seen, the color of burnt caramel. Her name - Sweet Tea.

Dolly Parton tosses hundred dollar bills onto the runway. Wynona Ryder covers one of the fallen c-notes with her Prada slingback.

Serena picks up Sweet Tea, stares into the doggie's now bloodshot eyes - "make mama proud." Serena hands Sweet Tea to Venus. "You my bitch?" Sweet Tea growls love as foam pours from her jowls into the crevices of her diamond studded collar. Venus sets her down, Sweet Tea surveys the room, she locks in on Bon Bon.

Christiane Amampour rings the dinner bell again.

Bon Bon leaps from Kate's arms, she gallops down the runway. Sweet Tea is calm, she walks in only a couple of steps. Bon Bon leaps into the air, straight at and into the powerful jaws of Sweet Tea.

It's over. Sweet Tea drags her prey into her Louis Vuitton carrier case. What happens in that case - you don't even want to know!

Martha Stewart collects winnings from the ladies.

I wasn't sure how to weigh in on this whole Michael Vic, dog fighting thing. People want to blame hip/hop, celebrity, poverty, weatlth, race.

My wife just read this blog, she doesn't understand it. She wants to know what it has to do with her or Coleman. My point is dog-fighting, cock fighting, country invading are all committed by the boys we raise. Our girls don't do stuff like that.

The first time someone wants to take Coleman to a dog fight, I don't want his machismo to take over. The reason there's no underground women's dog fighting ring sponsored by Bloomingdale's is because its STUPID.

Mexican Standoff

Most if not all parents have experienced nights like this. For whatever reason, Coleman just kept getting up and coming out of the room, "I want juice." We give him juice. Put him back to bed.

A little while later, he comes out, "Put the covers on me please." March him back to his bed, cover him up, start to leave. "I want the other blanket, I want two blankets." Cover him up with both blankets, leave.

A little while later, out of his bed again, "It's hot." March him back to his bed, cover him with one blanket.

A little while later, "I want milk." We give him milk.

A little while later, "I gotta poop." Take him to the potty, he sits there for a while, no poop. March him back to bed.

This nonsense continues for a while, by the time he completely settles down it's like 2am.

He then has the audacity to get up early, 2 hours before his normal wake time, like 6am. He climbs into bed with us. We try to ignore him, if we don't move, maybe he'll just sniff us and go back to sleep. No good. He's bright eyed, bushy tailed and ready for action.

Then the question becomes - Who is gonna get up and entertain him and let the other one sleep? Of course we're both waiting for the other one to make the grand sacrifice - no such gesture is being offered.

We both hunker down, neither one of us is sleeping but we're pretending like we are. She knows I'm not sleeping, because I'm not snoring. I know she's not sleeping because all I hear is
"Stop it."
"Don't do that."
Coleman is pulling her hair, putting his fingers in her nose, sitting on her head. Doing anything to get her attention.

If this continues, neither of us will get any sleep. I get up, lead him out the room, we get some milk. I turn on the TV, turn to NOGGIN (great channel, no commercials, designed for preschoolers, best show is The Backyardigans.) I lie down on the couch, he lies down next to me, drinking his beverage. Enjoying his morning television.

Mommy gets to go back to sleep - Daddy has made the grand sacrifice - AGAIN!! (It's my blog)

There Goes My Boy

Coleman takes to things so effortlessly. My mom came to pick him up to spend the night with her. I woke Coleman up from his nap, like many he is quite unsociable for the first few minutes. To help pull him out of the drowsies, I often entice him with an "Icee that we made." We bought from IKEA one of those ice trays, you pour juice in, put a stick in it, a few hours later you have a frozen pop sickle. Coleman calls them "Icee that we made."

I'm putting on fresh clothes, here come the questions.
"Where are we going daddy?"
"You're going to Grandma's house."
"I'm going to Grandma's house?" (He's a repeater.)
"Yes Grandma's house."
"Otay." "Why I going there?"
"It's a special treat."
"It's a special treat?"
"Yes a special treat."
"Otay." "You coming daddy?"
"No I'm not coming."
"You not coming?"
"No daddy's not coming."
"Otay." "Mama coming?"
"No mama's not coming."
"Mama's not coming?"
"No she's not."
"Otay." .... "Daddy?"
"Put your sweatshirt on."
"Put my sweatshirt on?"
"It's chilly outside."
"It's chilly outside?"
"Yes it's chilly outside."
"Daddy, what is chilly outside."
"Means it's cold outside."
"It's cold outside?"
"Yes it's cold outside." I strap him into the stroller.
"Coleman, I got something for you."
"For me daddy, you got something for me?"
"Yes."
"What is it daddy?"
I have a stash of lollipops from Commerce Bank (they give them away for free) I stick one in his sweatshirt pocket. "Save this for the ride to Grandma's house."
"For me daddy, that's for me?"
"Yes for you."
"Thanks daddy."
"Your welcome."
"Bye daddy."
"Bye, bye Coleman."
"Daddy kiss." I give him a kiss.
"Daddy hug." I give him a hug.
"Bye daddy."

I feel very lucky.

Endorsement Deal

Don't you think the Sesame Street people should give Coleman an endorsement deal?

I want to secure his millions before he gets caught running an illegal dog fighting ring.